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  • 2 AM Theology, Ice Cream, and the Fear We Don’t Talk About

    Susan Narrating
    (Wide awake. 2 AM. In bed. Suddenly has a degree in Philosophy.)

    Recently, I’ve been afraid of a lot of things.

    Most of them are irrational — like presenting in front of people… or facing an Immigration Officer even though you know you didn’t do anything wrong.

    I don’t usually feel this way.
    And logically, I know none of this will matter on my deathbed.
    But when it happens?
    It really gets to me.

    I start judging myself.
    I start thinking people will judge me too.
    And honestly?
    People are… a lot.

    They’re annoying.
    They’re loud.
    They’re confident about things they don’t even understand.

    Life is unfair.
    Bad people prosper.
    Good people are barely hanging on.

    Some women get pregnant when they don’t want a baby.
    Others pray and cry for one and never get it.

    Some people work with integrity and get ignored.
    Others are loud, visible, and somehow get promoted even if they don’t know what they’re doing.

    And then there’s… average life.
    The kind that slowly eats dreams because fear tells you to just settle.

    And listen — average is not bad.
    Some people want a simple life and that is a blessing.

    But I’m talking about people like me.
    The ambitious ones.
    The “I want to live fully” people.

    I know life isn’t just wake up, work, eat, repeat.
    Although honestly, I love eating and resting.

    Work?
    Unless you own the company or love your job with your whole soul…
    Work is training ground.

    Like school.
    You wake up early.
    You show up on time.
    You talk politely.
    You do your job well so you don’t become management’s emotional burden.

    And you get paid.
    So you can eat.

    Adulting.

    So why are we still afraid…
    Even when God literally said, “Do not fear”?

    I once heard a priest say:
    “Why do we believe God exists… but struggle to believe He will help us?”

    Ouch.

    He called that irreverence.
    Which I Googled.
    Because obviously.

    It means lack of respect.

    And I thought…
    Am I disrespecting God when I keep worrying?

    Maybe I’m just tired.
    Maybe I’m disappointed.
    Maybe life has punched me in the emotional face multiple times.

    Some of it was my fault.
    Some of it wasn’t.
    Some of it was just… life being life.

    I got up to get water because thinking is exhausting.

    I checked on Oishi.

    He was running back and forth…
    Barking at the cat…
    Who was literally doing nothing.

    I think Oishi is afraid of cats.

    Which is ironic.
    Because he barks at vacuum cleaners like he’s protecting the nation.

    I walked to the kitchen.
    Opened the fridge.
    Drank water.
    Ate ice cream.

    Cold + sweet = perfect for overthinking.

    Then suddenly —

    BRIGHT LIGHT.
    WOOOOOSH.

    Angelusito appears.

    Holding milk tea.

    Because apparently Heaven has delivery now.

    “Sus,” he said.
    “I was in the neighborhood. I heard your existential crisis.”

    “First — yes. People can be annoying. Selfish. Unfair.”

    “But people can also be kind. Generous. Compassionate.”

    “Some leave their homes to serve others.”
    “Some choose positivity without ignoring reality.”
    “Some work quietly with integrity.”

    “Not everyone is bad.”

    “Some people become broken because life broke them first.”

    “And remember — unless they are harming you or others —
    Turn the other cheek.”

    “So I need to do humanitarian missions for my life to have meaning?” I asked.

    “No,” Angelusito said, sipping milk tea like a tiny holy therapist.

    “God gave people different gifts.”

    “Not everyone is a missionary.”
    “Not everyone is a teacher.”
    “Not everyone is a doctor.”

    “You can serve God in small ways.”

    Being kind.
    Helping someone.
    Listening to someone’s pain.
    Taking care of animals.

    “That’s stewardship.”

    “Humans love big miracles,” he continued.
    “But there are miracles in ordinary moments.”

    Giving your seat.
    Checking on your neighbor.
    Showing up when someone needs you.

    Small things.
    Big impact.

    “And about fear, Sus…”

    “If you read the Bible in context — not just as motivational quotes —
    You’ll see even biblical heroes were afraid.”

    “But they relied on God.”

    “God’s presence is the antidote to fear.”

    “‘Fear not’ is not just comfort.
    It’s a command.”

    “So how do I trust God?” I asked.

    “Know Him,” Angelusito said.

    “Build relationship.”

    “Have you ever seen God abandon His people?”

    “No.”

    “He gave His Son so humanity could be saved.”

    “You will still feel fear, Sus.
    But trust that God is with you.”

    “Do your part.
    Prepare.
    Work with integrity.
    Do good.”

    “Let God handle the unfair parts.”

    “Read this,” he said:

    Deuteronomy 31:6 → God goes with you, does not leave you

    Psalm 94:14 → God will not forsake His people

    Hebrews 13:5–6 → Calls believers to be content and trust in God’s unfailing presence

    Matthew 1:23 (Emmanuel) → God WITH us 

    The next morning, I felt lighter.

    I stepped outside.
    The air was fresh.
    (Oishi was wagging like he solved world peace.)

    The rooster crowed.
    Vendors passed by.
    Kids walked to school.
    Cars filled the streets.

    And I realized…

    We’re all just trying.
    Using what we know.
    Doing our best.

    I sipped my coffee.
    Let the sun warm my face.

    It is good to be alive.

    The End.
    Still Rising. Still Barking.

  • Something Good Is About to Happen (And No, I’m Not Just Saying That)

    Have you ever felt like something good is about to happen?

    I did—in the shower. There must be something magical in tap water, or maybe it was just the conditioner finally reaching my brain. Whatever it was, I felt a shift.

    For the past few years, my heart has been heavy with sadness and discouragement. My mind? Full of anxious thoughts doing laps. I hit that weird emotional state where I wasn’t happy or sad—just okay. The “emotionally buffering” zone. I even lost count of how many times I Googled “drifting through life means.”

    (And yes, I might look ten years younger than my age, but I’ve lived through enough plot twists to earn those Googles.)

    I used to cling to a quote I found online—“live life moment to moment.”
    It helped, kind of. For a while.
    But eventually, I realized: I need more than a Pinterest mantra.

    What I thought I needed was a man. A strong, strategic, steady man.
    Translation: a husband.
    A handsome one who would sweep me off my feet, take me on wild adventures, and look good in travel selfies.

    Look, don’t judge me. I’ve been single for a long time. Let a girl dream.

    But here’s the plot twist:
    I didn’t need a man. I needed healing.

    I kept looking outward—promotion, success, plane tickets—chasing things I thought would make me feel whole. But the advice always circled back to the same things:

    “Find happiness within.”
    “Help someone in need.”
    “Be grateful.”

    And I was like:
    I am someone in need.
    What do you mean “be grateful”? I’m barely hanging on!

    But then… I came across this verse again. And something in me softened:

    Philippians 4:6-7
    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
    And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

    So I tried. I prayed. I thanked Him—even when I didn’t feel like it at first.
    And something shifted.

    No, I’m not suddenly problem-free or perfectly happy. But I feel different. I feel a quiet strength, a steadiness. A sense that even if I don’t get what I’m asking for, He hears me. And that’s enough.

    To my fellow citizens of the Republic of Anxiety:
    Try gratitude. Not just the hashtag version. The raw, shaky kind.
    Memorize that verse. Whisper it when the spiral starts. Put it in your heart.

    Because something good is about to happen.
    Even if it’s just peace.
    And honestly? That’s more than enough.