Tag: #FaithInFunny

Narrator:
Oishi (as if there’s anyone else classy enough for this role)

As usual, Susan was at work — emotionally caffeinated, philosophically unprepared — and last night she dumped an entire story on me. I must now share it with you, dear reader, so I don’t suffer alone in silence.

It was Friday — the world’s emotional support day. Busy, but chill.
The boss lady, Cassandra, had just called in a food order for the staff. She’s not always in the office, but she shows love the best way she knows how: carbs.

Now Cassandra is so poised, even Jezzie Bell and Dinah get insecure just by breathing in her cologne mist. She walks by, and suddenly everyone’s fixing their posture and pretending their spreadsheets aren’t fanfiction.

At The SIGNAL Co., gossip is a language. A lifestyle. Possibly an inherited condition.
It was barely 8:00 AM when Yohanes crashed into the department like a news anchor possessed, shouting,

“MAKE WAY! I am reporting live from Rome — I have pope-level information.”

Susan, mid-donut.
Brenda, the only one actually working, half-listening.
Yohanes?
Fully seated on Susan’s desk, wearing the energy of a caffeinated pigeon.

“There’s a reshuffle coming! Someone’s getting transferred!”
Gasp — Susan almost drops her donut.
Gasp — Yohanes inhales like he saw his own funeral.
Gasp — Brenda doesn’t gasp. She fact-checks.

And then… Dinah.

Lurking. Listening. Lurking again.

She swoops in with that “just sharing, not saying” energy and drops this:

“I heard it’s Pete from Accounting. Apparently he messed up the company taxes.”

(No source. No logic. Just Dinah.)

Let the record show: Pete didn’t mess anything up. He asked Dinah for her tax computations, and she didn’t submit them. So now she’s blaming him for the delay. Classic.

Susan nearly faints. Yohanes looks ready to call CNN.
Brenda, still grounded, says:

“Pete is the spreadsheet. He once calculated his way out of a traffic ticket.”

Dinah shrugs, throws her hands in the air and goes,

“Well… maybe he’s getting old. Just saying.”

Meanwhile, Jasper the intern approaches to give Susan her coffee.
Unfortunately, Dinah’s hand is involved. A dramatic wrist flourish sends the coffee flying — all over Susan.

And Dinah?

“Ugh. Stupid intern. Why didn’t you walk around me?”

Jasper is mortified. Susan is sticky.
And Ishmael, the janitor, glides in like a mop-wielding monk.

“Ma’am,” he says gently to Dinah, “he couldn’t have predicted your… hand choreography.”

Enter Horatio T.
HR rep. Memo collector. Passive-aggressive with a soul.

He bursts from his office and booms:

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF DATA PRIVACY AND EMOTIONAL DAMAGE IS GOING ON HERE?!”

Dinah (of course) points at Yohanes:

“He started spreading gossip about Pete!”

Yohanes panics. Apologizes. Dinah smiles like a cat that deleted your files.

But even Horatio — who writes memos for therapy — can see the truth.

“ENOUGH. If there’s any transfer happening, I’ll be the one to announce it. I am HR. And FYI… no one’s being transferred.”

Yep. It was Dinah. Making things up. Again.

Later that day, Susan, Yohanes, and Brenda are whispering at the fire exit, still doing a full debrief. Then they hear two male voices from below.

One says:

“‘Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the LORD.’ – Leviticus.”

Susan gasps:

“Wait — who’s Leviticus?! Is that Pete’s replacement?”

Yohanes:

“Or the new Data Analyst?”

Brenda rolls her eyes so hard the floor shakes:

“It’s a book in the Bible. That’s a verse. From the actual Bible Leviticus 19:16 !

They peek down and see… Ishmael.
Quietly chatting with Horatio, who — surprisingly — sometimes seeks Ishmael’s advice.

Turns out, the janitor isn’t just wise. He’s scripturally sharp.
Horatio had asked how to handle gossip. And Ishmael simply quoted the truth.

 

 MEMO from Horatio T. – Subject: Defamation of Character (aka Gossip Ends Here)

To all employees (even if you’re morally bankrupt):

Gossip is part of our survival strategy in the office. Without it, how else would we bond over microwaved spaghetti?
But let me make this clear—if your gossip causes harm, it will be your employment status that gets reshuffled.

Let’s build each other up, not burn each other down.
In accordance with company policy…
And the Book of Leviticus.

Or pack up your decorative mugs and leave.

Later that day, Susan and Yohanes didn’t gossip.
They talked about the weather in Spain.

And Dinah?
Well… she was unusually quiet.
Either she’s reflecting, plotting, or Googling “Leviticus.”
Who knows?

✍️ Writer’s Note

Hey, it’s me — Ember.

Just a little disclaimer:

The people in this story? Fictional.
The chaos? Slightly exaggerated.
But the message? Very real.

After nearly 20 years in different workplaces, I’ve seen how gossip — even the “light” kind — can spread fast and hit deep.
I’ve been a Susan and a Yohanes.
This episode isn’t just for laughs… it’s a gentle reminder:
Let’s build each other up, not tear each other down.

Thanks for reading.
Thanks for growing with me.

—Ember 🐾

Still learning. Still rising. Still talking to Oishi.